HOT

I very recently found out that I am not HOT. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I was walking around out there thinking that I was hot: and then some knuckle-dragging Mad Men throw back told me to press my face in dough and make gorilla cookies. I thought I was good enough, passable, dress me up, put my face on and go with confidence.

There has been an entire culture and movement out there that I have been completely unaware of. I’m sure this sounds ridiculous to you. Even as I say it, it sounds kind of foolish to me too. I have poured over the glossy pages of fashion magazines, I have spent countless waiting room hours digesting advice from beauty bibles and transdermally absorbed an infinite number of creams in jars and tubes promising me loss of cellulite, wrinkles and reduction of all man-hole cover sized pores on my sun damaged, time ravaged, spider veined skin. I have devoted a foolish amount of resources and time to improve what I saw as my “opportunities”.

My mirror reflects a face that I am familiar and happy with. : How odd that relatively late in life, I have glimpsed this whole world that I never knew existed. This is a world that I stood outside of: blissfully ignorant that my beauty rating score denied me the privileges of membership. I’m not sure what color their card is but the perks are downright astounding.

I simply had no idea to what extent a beautiful woman inspires adoration in men; how their mere presence, glance or regard can make a man feel worthy, special and successful in his gender. I recently learned this bizarre lesson by spending an extended period of time in the presence of men. I can hang with guys. They told me so. I was happy to hear it, made me think I was above gender definitions. Now, I wonder, if I were hotter, would I still have been deemed hang worthy? Can hot women hang? Is there some kind of mutually exclusivity in this? I am not sure this theory holds water, but I will get back to it. I might have to ask around on this some more.

I don’t mean to say that this revelation has a deep impact on my self esteem. The acid reflux generating factor is that I really don’t see that the HOT ONES appreciate their genetic benefits in a way that I think they really ought to have (for their own good, bless their hearts). My limited snapshots seem to suggest a sense of entitlement that would make Marie Antoinette blush.

I have friends and relatives who enjoy financial abundance. I don’t know one of them who isn’t grateful for all that they have and all that they can give in return. Making money from hard work and achievement doesn’t seem to produce the same paradigm of thinking. Each of them knows that money can be lost, fate can take a hand, and gratefully treasures their blessings. I would probably laugh out loud if one of them expected me to adore them because of things that they had. The jaw dropping thing about Hotties is not their beauty, but that they don’t appreciate it because it isn’t earned. It wasn’t forged through effort or skill. But, I believe that there are many men out there who would equivocate a beautiful woman on their arms as necessary to their well being, their perception of their own success and worth. I’m beginning to see that hotness is as much of a key turning asset as a pre-downturn Madoff portfolio. Beauty is its own paradigm. I suppose fate can take beauty, certainly time will alter it. But, its like thin Elvis and fat Elvis, its always gonna be thin Elvis in everyone’s mind. I just want Salma Hayek to say "I'm so grateful I've won the beauty lottery". It would make me feel so much better.

I had a friend several years ago who always dated many beautiful of women. My friend, who I love dearly, is unfortunately entirely devoid of movie star good looks. To be honest, it's hard not to look at him a squint a little. He didn't have a black Amex Card or a HOT car, no powerful friends or season tickets behind home plate. He did possess a huge personality, wit, a sense of humor that makes you hysterical for hours at a time. There are mitigating factors to the lens of attraction it seems. I'm grateful for the soft focus of humor.

I guess where I've landed on this HOT topic is....some people stand outside the fire and like it there. A man's appearance has never been my first attraction. He at least has to open his mouth and say something witty or humorous. I wanna see his big, hot, sweet brain. But, he better have good teeth. And groom.